Losing A Father I Never Knew

I discovered last week that my biological father had passed away. I often wondered over the years if he was living or not. I decided to google his name one more time. There he was.

I was 2 years old the last time I saw my biological father. Which means I never made a single memory with him that I can recall. It is a very hard minefield for a young child to process. I had always wondered how it must feel to be “daddy’s little girl’. I know his lifelong lack of interest in me affected my self image and feelings of worthiness. How could it not? An entire set of grandparents, aunts and uncles were also a mystery to me and me to them. Yes, I know things are always a lot more complicated, but I am sharing from the lens of my heart.

When I decided to google his name recently, I discovered he had passed 15 months ago. I quickly clicked on his obituary hoping to learn anything about his life. I found only a picture. No one wrote anything about him. No memories shared. It seems his lack of interest in my life might have been mirrored in his.

So, I sat there last week and studied the face of this old man with only his date of birth and date of death as his legacy. I saw pieces of myself staring back at me through his eyes, nose and dimples. It is strange to think of his major role in bringing me into this world and how little it seemed to have meant to him.

My mother never badmouthed him growing up. In fact, she never brought him up. By the time I gained a stepfather at the age of 5, it seemed we all just kept moving forward stepping over the elephant in the room. Unfortunately, it has only been in the last 10 years - after raising my family - that my stepfather and I truly connected. Growing up I felt very different from the kids around me, especially when I would visit their homes. They had fathers who cared about them and invested time in helping them process the ups and downs of life because they cared. I navigated my world without that resource and I see where it affected the framework of my selflove and selfcare.

Life gives us many challenging detours which grow us in ways that bless us far beyond the price asked of us. Today, I am reflecting on how this void played a role in my life and where I can now take this awareness that he is gone and grow from it. I am not the only child he left behind. I learned I have a half sister from another family he created and then left as well. I realized one day that I could probably find him now with all the resources now available. I found myself numb, though, and weary of the fear of rejection again. I may regret not stepping toward this path.

Do YOU have someone is your life that left you wondering about your worth? If so, you are not alone. There are people sharing this struggle right along with you. Some will carry it to their last day. Some, though, will set it down and discover their worthiness from within.

Someone’s lack of interest in you can often be a product of something wounded in them. People cannot pour from an empty vase. When someone is wounded, they wound others whether they aim to or not.

I am being watered by self love these days. I am growing in new ways that feel expanding to my soul. I cannot change my past or have a conversation with him now, but I can be grateful that I have survived all that life has thrown at me and there can be beauty in the ashes.

So, goodbye, to this man who helped make me. I hope his next chapter is kinder to him.