Dance of Remission
The Rhythm of Remission
Some days the music of your life is joyful and upbeat. Other days bring a slow haunting melody of fear. It is a dance.
Every cancer fighter prays to achieve remission. It reveals their courageous fight has opened the door to a second chance. Thankfully, more people find themselves in remission today than in decades past. Advancements in early detection and treatment are providing a change in the landscape of fighting this disease.
If you are in remission now, CONGRATULATIONS! I am sincerely happy for you and your family! I hope the courage that led to this second chance has grown you in ways that open new paths of possibility. Let go of any self-doubt or fear that may seek to rob you of fully living the life you fought so hard for. Honor your journey by striving to live every day with intention, forgiveness and gratitude.
Cancer survivors are fully aware that remission is not always the outcome for warriors who fight this battle. We know what this fight asks of you and everyone on this battlefield deserves their full lifetime. If you find yourself struggling with feelings of survivor’s guilt, you are not alone. It may take time to let go of the path you have journeyed and find peace to embrace that you were given a second chance. Try not to compare yourself with the warriors that charge forth in remission and never look back. I admire their strength, but don’t be disappointed if you need more time to adjust to this new way of life.
Maybe you have not personally battled cancer, but know someone in remission and want to better understand what they might be feeling. Maybe you are in the heat of the battle yourself at this moment. If so, my deepest prayer is that you leave cancer thoroughly beaten and destroyed. Either way, my hope is that this post serves you well.
Remission is like a dance. There are rhythms that move you. Some days the music of your life is euphoric and upbeat. You are grateful and thrilled you have survived this cruel fight. Other days it is a slow, haunting melody of fear and anxiety that asks to be your dance partner. When you have this melody, it confuses the people around you because they have not walked your path and wonder why you are sad when you have survived. On these somber days, they don’t understand the worry, guilt, fear and paralysis that can come from surviving a threat on your life that knows where you live.
The family and friends that love you and have been by your side, have seen prayers answered for you. Friends who kept their distance from you in the heat of battle, start to come a little closer. I try not to fault them for their distance because it is usually their own fear that has pulled them back. Some friends, though, will never return and their place in your story has served its purpose and you are better to move on without them.
You will find your way back to your life, but be patient with yourselves. Give yourself space to heal what you cannot see, your heart and mind. You have so much ahead of you. You may surprise yourself at what new adventures you are ready for. You may also be surprised at the impact you have made on others. Your journey has been witnessed by many who love you and the seed of strength you have planted will last their lifetime. Your courage will be a powerful influence in their lives whether they are even conscious of it yet. They will face their own ups and downs on their journey and remembering your bravery will give them hope.
The important thing is that there is a new chapter waiting to be written by you. What do want to see in your vision for your life? Move forward in prayer as you begin to write this next chapter. Ask God for guidance because some days it can be tricky. Your calendar may no longer have chemo appointments or a radiation schedule, but now it has annual or bi-annual SCANS. You may now find yourself experiencing SCANXIETY. Waiting for those scans and their results can be very difficult because you know what the journey backwards would ask of you. Every new little bump or odd sensation we discover can set off a storm of anxiety. These scans, though, serve you in important ways.
There can be comfort in knowing that there is a process in place to monitor you for any changes against your new baseline. You are not living blindly. You have a watchdog in place. If there is ever a concern found, there is now hope because you have found it. The reoccurring scan schedule sets up a time frame that gives you the best chance of overcoming any discovery that might need attention. (Oh, trust me, it took a while to come to the understanding that these scans serve my highest good. I have laid in bed at night and cried in fear over an upcoming scan. I finally began to appreciate the value these scans are really providing and that they are part of my team).
In remission, you may find yourself continually tempted to spin stories of worry. Have you seen plate spinners who entertain others by spinning plates resting on top of poles? They might have five of six plates spinning at a time. They run from one pole to the next spinning each plate so the momentum will not stop and the plate won’t fall. If you have ever seen someone doing this, did they look happy to you? Did they look relaxed and enjoying the moment? No, they were crazily running back and forth, they knew they could never relax. This state of chaos is what life can look like for some survivors. Instead of plates, though, we have our stories of fear spinning away. What if cancer comes back? What will I do? When is my next scan? Should I really be waiting that long to do another scan? What is this lump? Should I call my doctor or not? Spin, spin, spin. We do not want to keep giving these stories momentum, but if we do not find a way to stop looking at them, they will never let us relax and let joy in. You did not fight this hard to live in this chaos.
What we focus on we make space for in our lives. As survivors, we have to make adjustments in our way of thinking and that can take time. We are the keepers of our thoughts and we need to choose wisely. Our words have tremendous power, again, choose wisely. Focus on what you want to welcome into your life. (This blog is a shining example of that in my life). Life will have restful and purposeful moments once more. We can allow ourselves space in our life to make long term plans because we can dare to believe we will be here to see them through.
So what has remission been like for me personally? It has been nine years since my second cancer. Some of these days I lived strong and full of fire for life. Life has so much beauty thread through it waiting to be discovered. I want to be open, though, and share that on other days I felt fragile and I fought to avoid identifying with myself as a victim. Some days I wondered if I was living big enough to have been given this blessing of a second chance. I found what I really wanted was for someone to give me a guarantee that I would never battle cancer again so I could relax and race towards the upcoming chapters of my life. Well, life does not hand out that guarantee to anyone. I began to understand that the unknown is where my dependence on God builds its strength. I am waking up each morning thankfully praising God and I am showing up in new bolder ways in my life. I find peace when I ask for guidance and trust His plan. I envision I have literally left the outline of my body on God’s side because I have leaned on Him with such a tight grip for so long. No more white knuckles for me.
Trust God’s promises found in His Word. I dared to believe that by Jesus stripes I am healed. I trust that God has a plan for my life and He will use ALL things for good. When I frame my world from His perspective, I begin to relax and look for the beauty in each day. Fear will always knock on my door and I may peak out of the window and look at it, but I will not open the door and greet it. Only God knows my journey ahead. I am His daughter and He loves me. He loves you too.
So, my wish for you is that you find ways to live with so much strength and intention that others need to step back from your wake. Do not let another day sacrifice itself on the altar of fear. Instead, spend that SAME day being present, loving those around you, leaning on God’s grace, living fiercely and being grateful for all your blessings. Life is NOW, in THIS day! This day attracts what tomorrow brings. Stand in the space and time in this universe that is YOU and make your presence known! You have certainly earned the right to be, do, have and experience the fullness of showing up to write a new chapter. Make it an adventure worthy of YOU.